Love Me Slender

by Sophie Hannah

Extract

LOVELY LESLEY LOST SIX STONE AND WON HER MAN
[headline from the Sun, 30 June 1993]

You have to be size ten to get a bloke.
You must be slim, petite and never podgy.
Since Stout is out you're left with Diet Coke
And other things that taste extremely dodgy.

You must be thin. Don't make me say it twice.
Size ten, or even twelve, but never fatter.
You may, in other ways, be very nice
But if you're overwrought it doesn't matter.

You have to shed pounds. It's such a drag.
You can't rely on brains or sense of humour.
It isn't true that many men will shag
Virtually anyone — that's just a rumour.

You need a model's figure, skin and bone,
Straight up and down without a single curve,
Unless you want to end up on your own,
Which frankly, would be just what you deserve.

__________________________________

When I am Famous

When I am famous, in the years to come,
I know how keen you'll be to share the glory:
When journalists whip out a hefty sum
Before your nose, to make you sell our story,
You'll have no qualms. I, therefore, will expect
Full details of our sex life in The Sun.
I will not sue you, nor will I object
In any way — I'll treat it as good fun.
Make sure to give them all the dirty bits.
The truth bgets dull — why not throw them some lies,
Some strange inventions? Say I've got three tits
Or four. Meanwhile I've got a ncie surprise
In store for you — I'll make you tremble yet:
I know about your flower-pressing set.