How To Be a Man

by Birmingham & Flinthart

Extract

How to Join the French Foreign Legion

Notice we specify 'French', rather than simply 'Foreign Legion'. You see, the Spanish have a Foreign Legion too, and it's a lot easier to get into. On the other hand, it's also an awful lot nastier, by all accounts, so if you really feel you've made all the errors you can make in a civilised country, definitely try the French first.

The place you're looking for is called Fort de Nogent, which is the major recruiting office for the Legionne Etrangere. It's in Paris.

Borrow the money for a ticket to Paris from someone you don't like very much. Buy the ticket. Make it a first class ticket, because you might as well enjoy what life remains to you.

Throw a large party. Get savagely drunk. Dispose of everything you own in an orgy of gambling and excess. Offer your real opinions to everyone you've ever despised. Make serious, unmistakeable attempts to bed every woman who's ever caught your eye.

In the morning, you should have created enough havoc and damage that there will be no choice for you but to get aboard that Paris-bound flight. Get drunk again on the flight. You can do that for free in First Class.

In Paris, book yourself into one of those totally decadent hotels with a price tag like the GNP of a small African nation. You're not going to pay the bill, so why worry about it? Try the Ritz. Take in a night of uttermost indulgence. If you can find a firm which supplies... dancing partners and is prepared to bill your hotel room, so much the better.

Next day, you front at Fort de Nogent. Enlist under an assumed name. It's perfectly legit from their viewpoint, and it's enormous fun. One tip: don't go with "Beau Geste".

And that's it. Your life is now in someone else's hands. Brutal, vicious hands. Hands which will gladly hunt you down like a dog and kill you if you so much as attempt to desert. But look on the bright side: if you make it through your stint, you wind up with French citizenship, complete with rights to be rude to everyone in sight, live on wine, cheese, bread and garlic, and to bomb Greenpeace back into the stone age.